As I sit here looking at the blank
page, I have decided to be honest. Honest with myself more than I have ever
been before.
I. Do.
Not. Know. Who. I Am.
I
could sit here for another 2 hours watching the curser, flashing back and
forth. Waiting for me to enter in great
advice for other people just like me. But I don’t have the answer—yet.
So, let me describe what
I am:
I am
a woman of faith.
I am
a wife.
I am
a mother.
I am
29 years old.
I
have wrinkles and grey hair.
I
still struggle with acne.
Now before everyone starts to judge me on
the things listed, please keep reading. Some of you may be proud of being every
single one of those things. Some days I am too. What I want to express, I am
not sure who I am without those things. I don’t know if I like to walk by
myself. Think in a house by myself. I don’t even know if I really like myself.
Women wrap themselves into their families.
We are the shuttle, reminder, alarm clock, cleaner, and the cook. And for the last
10 years, I have been raising my boys with my husband without daily day care.
Now my youngest is starting Kindergarten. I have myself so caught up in everything else
in life I have forgotten who I am.
Now what?
Sure, I could do laundry, clean the dishes,
deep clean the carpets, and garden. I could join a gym and work out like all my
friends suggested. I could sit and watch soap operas all day too. But do I really want to do those things? No.
Maybe I will join a gym this year, clean the dishes, or garden. I just want it
to be something I do for me. My decision.
In the end, I want to know who I am. I
want to have that passion for something others have. God put me here for
something important. I can feel it. I have this thing inside that is just dying
to be figured out. Boiling at the surface. I don’t know how to do it on my own.
So when I send my son off to school it
will be bittersweet. I will be alone for the first time for more hours in the
day than ever before. And I want to know that I will not be afraid, not alone
in this journey in discovering who I am.
I do know one thing, I am not a good writer, and I will never claim to be. All you gifted writers out
there that do this for a living, I am proud of you. However, this is for other people just like
me searching for the answers. I want communication, questions, suggestions, and
truthful comments below.
Please share your journey with me.
